Posts Tagged ‘powerless’

A foretelling vision from a late afternoon practice:

As I lay with my stones on belly, heart and forehead, I set the intention to jump into the waters of my life. Immediately I am swept away in a fierce current, a power over which I have no control. The fury of this current clears everything in its path. I travel with rocks and boulders, tree limbs and boughs through these raging waters. A branch overhead is my savior. I grab hold and pull myself out. “Whoa, what was that?” Stillness beckons. Time to sit along the banks of these waters.

View of my car from the seat of the tow truck

In preparation for our New Moon Despacho Ceremony, I have been sitting with the intention of releasing the victim. The weekend before ceremony coincided with Family and Friends weekend at my daughter’s college. I began the 6 hour drive north. The trip came to a grinding halt 4 hours in when my car broke down on I-81. In the middle of very unfamiliar turf, I call AAA and am towed to the nearest mechanic. This was not my intent. With a one night hotel reservation I was expecting to be home the next day. I finish the drive with a rental car and my overnight stay stretches to three, adding expenses that now include a rental car, 3 more hotel rooms plus the bill from the mechanic.

The next morning, another breakdown is in the making. My boyfriend of five years says a final goodbye over the phone as he is in New Mexico and I am in New York. This long distance relationship is new for us and the plan was for me to relocate some time next year. Not only was my heart broken, but dreams and visions for my future were broken too.

“When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.”
~Kahil Gibran~

When I finally hear back from the mechanic days later, the news is crushing. My car needs a new engine. Enough depressing calamities had mounted to make me feel more than a little sorry for myself. I was walking a tightrope, precariously close to falling over the edge. Below me lay a familiar abyss of poor me. Alone in a hotel room, I longed to be wrapped in a well worn cloak of misery. The  cries of the victim were desperately near. Do I fall prey?

“Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they are a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight.” ~Rumi~

The sun rises on day three of my extended visit. I am surrounded by butterflies. Through the fury of this current, my heart transmutes with such soft vulnerability I can only hold it with the most tender loving kindness. I enter a void, no sense of ground beneath my feet. I return home from the weekend without my car, without my boyfriend, dreams for my future burned to ash. Yet in the midst of these raging waters, all I can come up with is a grateful heart. A weekend guised as a family visit becomes an initiation of empowerment. Not falling prey to the powerless victim, my heart stretches wider with the grace of gratitude.

I am filled with gratitude for guardian angels who guided me safely off the highway when my car lost all power. I am grateful for my godmother who each and every year sends a AAA membership in my name. I am grateful for the delight of my dear and divine lover, for the magic and poetry that our souls have shared. I am grateful to say goodbye with a heart whole in love. I am grateful for mystical poets whose verse sing to my sentient soul.

Stillness beckons. Time to sit along the banks of these waters. Faith and patience are my beacons to restoration. My heart is ready to rest in this void, washed clean in emptiness. A newness emerges, fresh as a butterfly breaking free of its cocoon. This tender heart longs to be fed with stillness and gratitude, nourished and sustained with the nectar of loving kindness. Soul metamorphosis, the medicine of butterflies.

AHO my friends! AHO!

Karen Chrappa
Author of A Structure for Spirit

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